Attempt #1 Circa 2016
This is something I wrote back in August of 2016. I made some revisions to it just a few nights ago. Only one other person knew this existed...until now. So here goes nothing...
Honestly, I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper so many times and, for some reason, it hasn’t landed me anywhere. I always tell myself I’m going to start a blog or, at least, get it all down on paper because I know that getting all these racing thoughts out my head will do me some good. However, every time, I always get side tracked. By what? Monotonous posts on social media. A mundane movie. A conversation that’s less than exhilarating with someone who probably has nothing of importance to say to me to begin with. Basically, the thoughts of others seems to be what keeps me from expressing my own. That seems to be a problem with most of society though, right? We’re always worrying about saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong dress, having the unpopular opinion, etc. Well, I’ve learned recently that I need to say FUCK THAT.
I’ve been soul searching so much, recently. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly who I am and who I want to become. I’ve realized along the way that the definition of me is, honestly, many different definitions. I’m not just one track, or one thought, or one side, or one trait. I have multiple tracks, thoughts, sides, and traits. All of which contradict. I’m a paradox. Some might even say hypocritical, but what I’ve finally come to realize is that all of these things are what makes me - ME and that’s perfectly fine.
I don’t need to fit into some type of mold or some sort of frame. I can be everything and anything that I want to be and not a single person’s thoughts should or can stop me from embracing my character. With that being said, I’ve also realized that my physical appearance should be embraced, as well. I spent so much time growing up feeling as though I was less than because I didn’t look like other girls around me. I compared myself to everyone and by doing so made myself feel terrible. I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I didn’t have nice enough hair. My hair wouldn’t straighten perfectly, or it was a terrible mousey brown. I didn’t do my makeup as flawlessly as the other girls. I wore too much of it or not enough of it. Then I realized the most crucial thing that I have come to know over my twenty-five years of living…none of that shit matters. It never has; and it never will.
Honestly, I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper so many times and, for some reason, it hasn’t landed me anywhere. I always tell myself I’m going to start a blog or, at least, get it all down on paper because I know that getting all these racing thoughts out my head will do me some good. However, every time, I always get side tracked. By what? Monotonous posts on social media. A mundane movie. A conversation that’s less than exhilarating with someone who probably has nothing of importance to say to me to begin with. Basically, the thoughts of others seems to be what keeps me from expressing my own. That seems to be a problem with most of society though, right? We’re always worrying about saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong dress, having the unpopular opinion, etc. Well, I’ve learned recently that I need to say FUCK THAT.
I’ve been soul searching so much, recently. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly who I am and who I want to become. I’ve realized along the way that the definition of me is, honestly, many different definitions. I’m not just one track, or one thought, or one side, or one trait. I have multiple tracks, thoughts, sides, and traits. All of which contradict. I’m a paradox. Some might even say hypocritical, but what I’ve finally come to realize is that all of these things are what makes me - ME and that’s perfectly fine.
I don’t need to fit into some type of mold or some sort of frame. I can be everything and anything that I want to be and not a single person’s thoughts should or can stop me from embracing my character. With that being said, I’ve also realized that my physical appearance should be embraced, as well. I spent so much time growing up feeling as though I was less than because I didn’t look like other girls around me. I compared myself to everyone and by doing so made myself feel terrible. I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I didn’t have nice enough hair. My hair wouldn’t straighten perfectly, or it was a terrible mousey brown. I didn’t do my makeup as flawlessly as the other girls. I wore too much of it or not enough of it. Then I realized the most crucial thing that I have come to know over my twenty-five years of living…none of that shit matters. It never has; and it never will.
If I look now, at all of my absolute best friends, my closest companions, all of the genuine people I’ve had in my life over the years, not a single one of them liked me because of any physical trait I have. They all liked me, or like me, for what I harbor inside of my body not what I show on the outside of it. Becoming confident in both of these aspects of myself has been the most rewarding thing I have done in my life to date. I know now that beauty isn’t the size of your jeans, the length of your hair, the amount of makeup you wear, how you dress, whether you’re a tomboy, whether you’re a girly girl, or any of that nonsense. Beauty is being able to wake up in the morning, put some clothes on, and walk out of the house knowing you’re a QUEEN regardless of what commercial came on as you were leaving, with a model in it whose size is different than yours. Beauty comes from confidence and from the depths of your soul not from the soles on the bottom of your feet. Being able to fully embrace this idea of beauty is something I can’t completely convey.
Becoming a positive human and realizing you can truly change your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, if you put your mind to it, is life changing. There is nothing more satisfying than being able to be comfortable and happy with yourself. I’m not a size 0 but I’m comfortable with the size that I am. I don’t have long luscious locks but my short hair is killer. I don’t wear a lot of makeup, but my lipstick is always popping. I don’t always wear name brand clothes but what I wear looks good on me.
I’m a Liberal and a Christian. I overthink everything and tend to micromanage my life, as well. Yet I also make impulsive decisions and tend to be carefree, too. I’m a free spirit, who loves everyone and wants everyone to love each other, as well as themselves. I believe gays, straights, trans, queer, bisexual and everyone else in between should be able to love who they want, live how they want, and be seen by others as they choose to be seen. Everyone deserves love, support, and respect.
I believe in helping others. I would give my last dollar to a homeless man for a sandwich and not think twice about how I was going to spend that money. I’m frugal and generous, again at the same time. I won’t buy myself a nice lipstick or something similar because I don’t want to spend the money on it. However, if I see a t-shirt I know my best friend would like I’ll probably buy it for her without thinking twice.
I’m completely inconsistent. I’ll feel a certain way one day and the next I’ll have changed my mind to feel completely different. Give me a couple more days though and I’m back to feeling the way I started. I’m complicated yet simple. I’m complex yet basic. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m loving. I’m kind. I’m funny. I’m sweet. I’m vulgar. I’m sassy. I’m full of attitude. I’m exactly who I want to be in this very moment, as I type this very sentence.
I’m Amanda Jane Lippold and I love exactly who she is and who she is still becoming.
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