Attempt #3 Resolutions or Revelations?

Every year, I sit down like most of us do and try to come up with a solid New Year's resolution or even multiple ones. As always, about a month into the new year I've given up on whatever I was so gung-ho about just thirty-one days prior. This year is going to be different. I'm not making resolutions. I'm taking the number one revelation I've found out about myself over this past year and putting it into full effect over the next 365 days. 

This revelation will include things I should continue to do and some things that I should definitely stop doing. Some of it touches on what I talked about in my first post but this one is going deeper. This revelation is less about my outer image and more about who I am as a person. 

With all of this being said, I still feel like I should have a "resolution" to tell people when they ask because, for some reason, people always ask. It's going to sound cliche and it's going to seem cheap. However, it truly sums up everything that I'm about to go into detail explaining. So what I've already begun to tell people and what I will continue to tell them as they ask is...

I'M GOING TO START LIVING MY BEST LIFE AS MY GENUINE SELF! 

The number one thing that keeps me from living my best life and truly living happily is giving a fuck what other people think about me, essentially my anxiety about other people's opinions of me. Whether it be so simple as to what they think I look like while dancing at the bar or what they think about the fact that I'm still just currently working on a bachelor's degree or what they think about my sense of humor or what they think about the fact that talk more than almost any person I know or what they think about the fact that I love so passionately and care so deeply for the people in my life or what they think about the fact that I will compliment them every damn day of their lives so that they know they're flawless and loved. 

I've been self-reflecting so damn much this past month. It brings me to tears what I've learned about myself in just this short amount of time. During this brief time, I've realized how much I do really love myself but also how much I still care about what the person beside me thinks and that is the number one thing that has to stop - the actual "resolution" to be honest. Quite frankly, someone else's opinion of me shouldn't be any of my business. 

Caring what people think about me to an extent isn't a bad thing. I mean I don't want to become an asshole by not giving any shits and have a horribly rude personality or anything. I just want to stop caring so much about how others view me. No matter what, I'm never going to be able to control how they feel about me or what they think of me so I might as well stop putting so much effort and energy into that. I could give and give and give to a person who ends up not wanting to give anything back to me in return. Honestly, I have done that and when that happens I always internalize how they've treated me then I use that to reflect how I feel about myself. Instead of constantly blaming myself for how others treat me though, I need to start blaming them. 

It's on them if they don't like me. It's on them if they treat me poorly. It's on them if they don't want me in their lives. That's not on me. It's never been on me and it's a damn shame that for so many years I've thought that every bad relationship or friendship I've been in has been my fault. It's a damn shame that I've had this terrible self-image thinking doing my best gets me nothing in return and that I should conform to what they want so I can keep them around because that's just not how this should work. 

Life is about genuine connections and genuine friendships. I have undoubtedly been more myself this past month than I think I have ever been in my entire life. I also have solidified the most genuine friendships and connections now in my life than I ever have before. I have a lot of irritating, annoying, over-bearing, abrasive traits. I also have a lot of soft, loving, funny, too sensitive traits. I have done nothing but show ALL of these traits like scars on my body to the world this past month and in doing so, I have attracted the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful people to grace this planet, who are willing to ask me how I ended up with these scars but would never even imagine asking me to cover them up. These people love me for exactly who I am, which isn't always the best version of me. Even on my days where I don't love myself, they love me. Even on my days where I complain about every little inconvenience, they tell me it's going to get better. Even on my days where I have a literal nervous breakdown merited or not, they tell me everything is going to be alright. These people act like the sun shines out my ass, like I'm one of the best people they've ever met, like I'm one of the greatest friends they've ever had and it's all because I unequivocally decided to be ME. 

Life is beautiful when I don't have to apologize for the embarrassing text I sent. Life is beautiful when I can send that Snapchat selfie with a double chin. Life is beautiful when I don't have to explain being weird. Life is beautiful when I can laugh like a hyena at the dumbest joke. Life is beautiful when I can sob over the most trivial story. Life is beautiful when I give my friend's the silliest gift and they act like I gave them a million dollars. Life is beautiful when my friends are ecstatic that I'm their partner for game night. Life is beautiful when my friend will pick up the phone so I can tell them my latest news without having to text it all out. Life is beautiful when I can let a friend in on the darkest parts of me and they still think I radiate positive energy. 

Life is beautiful when I can finally be myself and have an immense amount of love still around me. 

Life is beautiful now.  

Life will continue to be beautiful as I continue to be ME. 

Here's to 2018, where I will live my best life and stop apologizing for being exactly who I was always meant to be.